apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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