Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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