you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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