My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
