Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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