I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
