If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
