he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
