tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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