So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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