I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
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I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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