You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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