You can't special order awesome
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
