This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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