I am spending my child support on dildos
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
