im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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