Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
