cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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