Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
