I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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