Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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