Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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