HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
