I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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