I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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