I just cut my nipple shaving
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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