I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
