dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
