I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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