Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
