I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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