Got a toothbrush?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
