I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
