you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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