Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
