The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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