we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
