from now on my penis is your penis
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
