Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
