none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
