i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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