I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
