my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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