I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
