roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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