There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she told me i tasted like america
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
