You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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