I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
