Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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