you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
