I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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