matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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