Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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